I Wasn’t Supposed To Be There; A Life Saved (Part 4)

At some point in this whole mess I had to go pick up my sister. All I remember thinking is how am I going to explain this to her? How am I going to explain that on this day, a day that should be filled with joy and happiness for her, what had happened. Why was I picking her up after not talking for so long? I remember just telling myself to be calm and present this in a manner where I just inform her mother is in the hospital and sick. If I made a big deal out of it it would become one and she would panic. I pull up to the school get my sister and immediately she asks me why I am there. I tell her that I had a gift to give her for her birthday but when I went to drop it off mom was sick and needed to go to the hospital. She looked at me with beady eyes and says “She tried it again, didn’t she?” I asked her “What do you mean?” She responds with “she tried to kill herself didn’t she?” I felt horrible, I can’t lie and my sister deserves the truth. I remember thinking that no one at this age should ever have to ask these questions. My God she was in middle school. She should be worried about what she is doing with friends this weekend not my mother. I responded with a simple “Yes.” My sister then with tears running down her face says “I should have never gone on this trip, I should have never left her I knew this would happen.” I wanted to cry, she felt so much weight on her shoulders and weight she should not be bearing. I reassured her this was not her fault and we continued our drive to the hospital.

The next thing I remember is being in the room with my mother and by this point she was cognitive enough to recognize what was happening and is crying to me and begging me. I mean begging, I have never seen anyone beg they way that she was other than maybe some addict in a movie. She kept saying “Mitchell, please don’t send me in there.” “You have no idea what they do to me in there.” “It is so sad and they treat me so bad.” I remember thinking about shows I see on TV where they do abuse psych patients and wondering if that had happened to her the last time she was in there. Of course the only person I could consult with this was S and she reassured me that this was what I needed to do. My mom was so sad. Remembering that at some point I had removed her wedding ring, I didn’t want her to have this when she was in there. My step father still held power over her and she still felt that she needed him. She wasn’t letting go of the fact that he left her and placed her in the worst place she had ever been in.

The next thing I remember is waiting in the hallway outside of the psych unit. You see these units are locked down and you can only go in if you are on a list that the patient (in this case my mother) indicates that they want you to be able to visit them. She was so upset at me for admitting her that she did not allow me on the visitation list. S, my sister and I waited in the hallway outside of the Psych unit for the longest time. Then the next thing I know is I look up and see…