This is a series of post about the day that I found my mom having attempted to commit suicide. These were not easy posts to write and I am sure even harder for my mother to read. I want you to know that these were approved by her prior to posting. This content is raw, slightly graphic and real. I told you my intent was to provide my entire life experience those ice berg moments that hide below the surface. This is a big one for me. I remember this day very vividly. It is a moment in my past that I replay in my head all the time. The feelings that I felt that day were unlike anything I have ever felt and I hope to God unlike anything I will ever feel again.
I remember what day it was because it was my sisters birthday, June 19, 2011. By this point I hadn’t talked to my sister or my mother for probably almost two years. I never really knew why they didn’t want to talk to me. However, some time ago my sister decided to share her perspective with me. They felt abandoned, they felt like I had left them behind.
To this day I feel terrible about the environment that they were living in. My step father convinced my mother to quit her job and then he left. I had no idea the pressure and true poverty they were living in. I recall my sister telling me that there were many nights where all she had for dinner were a couple muffins. They had no food in the house and no money to buy food. I cry and tear up now just thinking about the stress, fear and anxiety they both must have felt.
Even with their lack of desire to talk with me I still felt it was important that my sister knew I cared about her. So, I had bought her a gift and decided that I would take it out to the house. Of course when you have the level of uneven terrain that I had with the two of them I had asked for my ex-wife (then girlfriend) to go with me for support, she graciously agreed. The entire way I was nervous but of course wanted them both to know that I still cared and loved them. Just because I had decided to move out and go to college did not mean that I did not care about them. The drive felt like an eternity and my heart was beating out of my chest. I was driving back to a home that was way out in the country, filled with bad memories and all I can recall about the house is how dark and sad it was. I can’t say that I would call it hell on earth because it was not an angry place. It was a dark and hollow place filled with sadness, a purgatory. Nothing good came from that place. Finally, we pull up and I see my mothers van in the driveway. Another sad sight as she had lost her car when we moved due to a foreclosure, bankruptcy and whatever else was going on financially. It was a van from probably the late 90’s and hardly would even run. Alas, we we’re there and the moment came to get out of the car…